The title suggests a teen-horror flick (or a Jesse Ventura biopic), but The Body is something even scarier: one of those murky, turgid, religious-con-spiracy ”thrillers” featuring an international cast with more cacophonous accents than the Tower of Babel. It’s hard to say which character is more absurd: the gorgeous British-sounding Israeli archeologist (The Sixth Sense‘s Olivia Williams) who digs up a set of bones in Jerusalem that may be the unresurrected remains of Jesus Christ, or the smoldering ex-intelligence officer Latino priest (Antonio Banderas) who’s sent in by the Vatican to cover up the potentially faith-shattering story.
By the time Williams suggestively asks Banderas to disrobe so she can treat the wounds inflicted on him by rock-throwing Orthodox Jews (”These guys would rather eat pork than disturb the dead,” she explains with a straight face), the whole megillah has brought new meaning to holy crap. One thing’s for sure: This cinematic stiff should have stayed buried. D+