EW gives its annual ''Survivor'' Awards
Forget the million bucks; we honor the brave and the fallen
EW gives its annual ”Survivor” Awards
RUDY BOESCH AWARD FOR BIBLE RECYCLING Rodger, who one upped Rudy (who threatened to use the holy tome for toilet paper) by actually making kindling out of it
BEST FUTURE DISPLAY IN THE HARD ROCK CAFE IN HELL Jerri’s bongo drum
CHEAPEST ”SURVIVOR” PROP The Immunity Idol, which looks like a Big Gulp mug from the Outback Steakhouse gift shop
CLEAREST SIGN A CONTESTANT HAD NOT WATCHED FIRST ”SURVIVOR” Debb, for her post-ousting statement: ”I still thought a lot of [the game] boiled down to mental toughness and physical ability… but none of that even mattered!”
THE ”MAC AND ME” DENIAL AWARD Colby, who calls his pact with Jerri a ”union,” forgoing Rich’s word ”alliance”
MOST UNLIKELY COSMETICS SPOKESMODEL Mike, who sported Pig’s Blood Rouge — the glamorous and ham-orous makeup that gives you the look you’d kill for!
MOST POLLUTED WATER FIRST RUNNER UP The Kucha river after Kimmi was finally scoured WINNER The puddle Jerri squatted in for her interviews, turning it into a sitz bath of treachery
BEST PR FOR THE AARP Rodger’s cliff jump
SOUND MOST LIKELY TO APPEAR IN YOUR ”SURVIVOR” NIGHTMARES (Tie) The chicken’s agonized squawk after Rodger lopped off its head / Mike’s postburn howl as the medics treated him
MOST LIKELY TO REACH ORGASM AFTER EATING A SALTINE Amber, who was in salivary ecstasy after she tasted Jerri’s tortilla
WORST SUBSTITUTE FOR NOUGAT The all bug center found in the Kucha figs
MOST INTENTIONAL HOMAGE TO SUSAN HAWK In Mad Dog’s vote against Kel, she said, ”If you were lying in the Simpson Desert, dying of thirst, every single one of us would give you a drink of water.”
MOST UNINTENTIONAL HOMAGE TO SUSAN HAWK Mad Dog, for then spelling Kel’s name ”Cal”
THE ”CUTTING OFF YOUR NOSE TO SPITE STUFFING YOUR FACE” AWARD Jeff, for saying ”I hope [Mike, while hunting] loses our knife, just to give a valuable reason to go off on the bastard.”
MOST IRONIC FAILURE Amber — Jerri’s blindest follower — who lost a challenge for Ogakor because she was unable to follow Jerri while blindfolded
LEAST SUBTLE SPONSOR SHOUT OUT Tina’s ”I want a bag of Doritos more than anything in the world” quote. More than drinking Mountain Dew out of a Reebok shoe from Target?
MOST PAINFUL REMINDER OF HIGH SCHOOL When Kel weakly offered razors to Jerri’s ”cool kids” — who had treated him unfairly — they then snickered and kicked him out of the tribe.
MOST LIKELY TO MAKE PIGS BEG TO BE KILLED Jerri, for her criminal campfire cover of Fiona Apple: wannabe actress, neverbe singer!
SEAN KENNIFF MEMORIAL AWARD FOR ACHIEVEMENT IN POINTLESS INVENTIONS Nick, for his Kucha kitchen and chair. No Superpole 2001?
WORST CAMPAIGN SPEECH Mitchell, in his runoff against Keith at Tribal Council, saying ”Physically, mentally, emotionally I’m drained.” Translation: Read my lips — kick my ass off!
BEST USE OF ERYKAH BADU’S DISCARDED TURBANS Elisabeth’s immunity headdress
FUTURE SCRIPT DOCTOR FOR HANNIBAL LECTER Mike, for calmly saying ”Life is just a funny little blending of experiences,” after brutally slaughtering a pig
CATCHPHRASE MOST LIKELY TO SWEEP THE BAWDY-BACKPACKER COMMUNITY Jeff’s ”I woke up? and there was a little fire in my woolly!”
LEAST LIKELY TO INHERIT THE MISS MANNERS COLUMN Mike, explaining why it’s okay to call Kimmi dirty, tells her ”If I had a booger hanging out of my nose, and you told me about it, I would say thank you.”
LEAST TEMPTING FRENCH KISSER Kimmi, after displaying her black, mangrove-worm-stained tongue
PAULIE WALNUTS AWARD FOR ACHIEVEMENT IN TWO-TONED HAIR Keith, for his white-beard / dark-hair contrast
TOURIST FROM HELL Colby, for admiring the wonder of the Great Barrier Reef… and then ripping hunks off for souvenirs
MOST IN NEED OF A ”SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK” LESSON ON THE FOOD CHAIN Jerri, for telling Keith that by dumping fish guts into the river, they’re feeding the other fish, rendering Ogakor’s bait moot
OLIVER STONE AWARD FOR LACK OF SUBTLETY Mark Burnett, for cutting from Jerri’s evil backstabbing to shots of a wolf and a black widow spider. What, no cutaways to Snidely Whiplash twirling his moustache?
MOST FINGERED Kimmi’s face
MOST FACED Alicia’s finger
LEAST SELF-AWARE Jerri, for telling Colby, ”It’s not like you’re making a deal with the devil here!”
LEAST WELCOME ANALYSIS Jeff Probst, telling the starving Ogakor team, ”Let me make the observation of the day: Kucha is kicking your ass.”
MOST CONVINCING GUISE Rodger, who says his kindly grandpa routine is just an act to seem harmless. Kentucky Joe… criminal genius?
LEAST WELCOME AT CHRISTMAS DINNER Mitchell, for saying he’d vote his grandparents out. ”They’ve been married 50 years. That’s a good alliance.”
TOUCH MOST LIKELY TO MAKE SKIN BURN Jerri’s reassuring pat as Kel got up to leave Tribal Council, after engineering his departure
UNHOLIEST ALLIANCE Jerri and Amber
HOLIEST ALLIANCE Elisabeth and Rodger
MOLIEST ALLIANCE The world against ”The Mole”
THE ”WHAT, YOU CAME FOR THE FOOD?” AWARD Keith, for saying, ”I didn’t come out here to be pushed around by a bartender, wannabe actress.”
THE JOHNNY KNOXVILLE GOOD TIMES TROPHY Jeff, for ”It’s fun to have [Ogakor] talk about how hungry they are, and for us to go in and win all their food. That’s fun!”
LEAST RIVETING CHALLENGE The 10-hour stand-on-a-pipe endurance test. What next, the ”I spy with my little eye” Death Race?
Read All About ”Survivor” 2 for EW.com’s comprehensive coverage.