1 ‘N SYNC Scalped tickets for their Super Bowl appearance: $2,000 apiece. Hearing your teenage daughter say ”Dad, do we have to stay for the stupid second half?” Priceless.
2 PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS It doesn’t matter who you vote for. They’ve already decided to give it to George W. Bush.
3 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS The one thing we can do that wealthy, underweight people who don’t drink or smoke can’t.
4 ELVIS’ BIRTHDAY He would have been 66 years old this year and on a TCV tour. Taking Care of Viagra.
5 TEMPTATION ISLAND Four couples are stranded on a resort island with single babes and hunks for two solid weeks. They don’t call it Club Med anymore?
6 BILL CLINTON The White House denies that he’ll do a TV show once he’s out of office. Too bad. The Independent Counsel wanted to see him on Court TV.
7 ”SIR” STEVEN SPIELBERG The Queen has bestowed one of Britain’s highest honors on the director. She’s not going to make him live there.
8 THE MOLE The twist in this reality show is that one contestant is secretly working against his own group. A former CEO, no doubt.
9 AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS Honoring artists for what really counts: Best Haircuts, Best Dancing, Biggest Pants.
10 VIEWERS FOR QUALITY TELEVISION After 16 years, they’re calling it quits. Both of them are now looking for work.
11 NYPD BLUE Rick Schroder and Kim Delaney hit the sack. They think the department’s motto is ”To Serve, Protect, and Show Some Skin.”
12 SHANNEN DOHERTY She spent a few hours in custody, suspected of DUI. They could have kept her longer, but they felt the other prisoners had been punished enough.
13 AIR TRAVEL Like sleeping in an airport? Remember that the next time you hear someone say, ”Why can’t they run the government like a business?”
14 MR. BLACKWELL There’s no disgrace like being on his Worst Dressed list. What’s really bad is getting it for a nude scene.
15 CLAUDIA SCHIFFER Billboards of her in skimpy undies are being stolen and sold on the Internet. As anniversary presents.