December 24, 1999 at 05:00 AM EST

The Worst

1 A Walk to Remember Nicholas Sparks (Warner, $19.95) Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Boy and girl become orphanage-visiting do-gooders. Girl has secret. Boy evolves. Novel reads like a bad Afterschool Special.

2 Monica’s Story Andrew Morton (St. Martin’s, $24.95) We learned that the President was, like, such a creep; Linda Tripp was sooo sneaky; and Monica was, umm, really insecure about her weight. And we learned it all from CNN, months before this silly rehash.

3 Lo’s Diary Pia Pera (Foxrock, $22.95) Anyone attempting to rewrite Vladimir Nabokov’s 1955 masterpiece Lolita — from the perspective of the baby vixen herself — is asking for trouble. But did it have to be riddled with bratty lines like, ”I love people who are good-looking. I can’t stand ugly people”?

4 Hannibal Thomas Harris (Delacorte, $27.95) We’re not usually squeamish, but brains sauteed in brioche crumbs and gushing femoral arteries were too much for us to handle. And Clarice and Lecter getting it on? Say it ain’t so!

5 Takin’ Back My Name: The Confessions of Ike Turner Ike Turner and Nigel Cawthorne (Virgin, $26.95) We already knew that he was a drug-addicted wife beater. But learning that the musician lost his virginity at 6 to a middle-aged neighbor (whose sex tips eventually helped Turner earn the suggestive nickname ”rota-rooter”) is downright revolting.

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