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December 24, 1999 at 05:00 AM EST

”I’m going out on a limb—no divorces in ’99!” — Ross (David Schwimmer), making a New Year’s resolution, on Friends

”Celine Dion vehemently denied that she’s anorexic. However, Celine did admit that her music is one of the leading causes of bulimia.” — Conan O’Brien on Late Night

”I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.” — Bart, about a faculty talent show, on The Simpsons

”A street magician has buried himself in a six-foot-by-two-foot glass coffin—or, as we refer to it here in Manhattan, a studio apartment.” — David Letterman, discussing David Blaine’s publicity stunt, on Late Show

”I think it’s terrible, but not half as terrible as how you all got together and fired that blond chick.” — Rob Schnieder, discussing Kosovo (and joking about Debbie Matenopoulos’ abrupt exit), on The View

”Monica Lewinsky said today, if they make a TV movie about the scandal, she wants Neve Campbell to play her…. President Clinton said today, if they get Neve Campbell to play Monica, he’ll play himself.” — Jay Leno on The Tonight Show

”Should we arrest David Copperfield?” — Scully (Gillian Anderson), after discovering a body cut in two on The X-Files ”Yes, but not for this.” — Mulder (David Duchovny), in response, on The X-Files

Star Wars creator George Lucas was interviewed on CNN this week. Action figures from the interview will be available in stores at midnight tonight.” — Dennis Miller on Dennis Miller Live

”I dress up like Sally Jessy Raphael at night.” — Jerry Springer, empathizing with a transvestite guest, on The Jerry Springer Show

”If you don’t get the best grades, don’t fret — I didn’t do too well in school and I’m a multimillionaire.” — Adam Sandler on The 1999 Teen Choice Awards

”I got into bed, and Julia said, ‘Somebody’s been going to the gym,’ and I was quite pleased. Then she said, ‘And it’s not Hugh!”’ — Hugh Grant, recalling a love scene with his Notting Hill costar Julia Roberts, on The Rosie O’Donnell Show

”I’m a fat man, Regis, my heart can’t take it.” — Contestant Tom Colletta, reacting to host Regis Philbin’s pause before giving the answer to a question, on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ”I’m just trying to help you sweat off a few pounds.” — Philbin, in response, on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

”I would like to take this opportunity just to tell the press to kiss my skinny white a — .” — Calista Flockhart on Late Show With David Letterman

”Al Gore said that being the underdog made him feel like Janis Joplin because ‘freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.’ Then he chugged a fifth of Southern Comfort and had sex with his bass player.” — Conan O’Brien on Late Night

”Keanu Reeves is expecting his first child…. Keanu says he doesn’t care if it’s a chick or a dude as long as it’s, you know, cool.” — Dennis Miller on Dennis Miller Live

”Steve Forbes said he opposes gays and lesbians adopting children, even though his father was a closeted homosexual. It’s all part of his plan to go from being seen as an unknown, eccentric outsider to being seen as an ungrateful, homophobic bastard.” — Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show

TV Show
run date
In Season
Charles Thomas Allen,
John Christopher Allen,
Helen Baxendale,
Eddie Cahill,
Cosimo Fusco,
Elliott Gould,
Jessica Hecht,
Mitchell Whitfield,
Jane Sibbett,
Lauren Tom,
James Michael Tyler,
Maggie Wheeler
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