1 JACK KLUGMAN In a palimony trial he said he loved his dogs more than his girlfriend of 18 years. Lawyers for the dogs are now asking for half his money.
2 NAACP Network execs left a hearing before explaining why there are so few minorities on TV. Maybe they just did.
3 SLY STALLONE A few cleaners and cooks he fired are suing him for $1.5 million. For not letting them work for him long enough to write a book about it.
4 NFL The league has banned the offensive throat-slashing motion. It lacks the sophistication of giving the finger.
5 SHERMAN HEMSLEY The Jeffersons star reportedly has filed for bankruptcy. The one guy you’d never think would get taken to the cleaners.
6 PETE ROSE He’s set up a Web page where you can vote to get him reinstated into baseball. Odds are 3 to 2 that he will be.
7 TOY STORY 2 The best thing about an animated hit? We’ll never have to hear who Buzz and Woody are dating.
8 HOLY SMOKE! Harvey Keitel tries to rescue Kate Winslet from a religious cult. Or the threat of a sinking career.
9 TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE A writer learns to enjoy life by bonding with an old man. The rest of us just take Prozac.
10 COKE Pulled its ads from the WWF to avoid being linked with vulgar, antisocial thugs. Unlike, say, football players.
11 ELTON JOHN The superstar sang while men dressed as Cub Scouts stripped behind him. For which they will get the Chippendales merit badge.
12 MOVIE RATINGS The MPAA wants print ads to explain why a film got its rating. Like, NC-17: Director Too Lonely.
13 SOCIAL SECURITY To the surprise of many, full benefits won’t kick in until age 67. A bigger surprise would be if there were any benefits left.
14 QUEEN ELIZABETH Prince Philip indicated last week that Her Majesty may abdicate when she gets too old. This week he’s been sleeping in the Royal Kennel.
15 SEATTLE SMACKDOWN Protesters rioted at the WTO conference. They must’ve thought it was the WWF.