June 25, 1999 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 ”Give it a rest, baby!”
There’s only one thing more annoying than Jar Jar Binks: bad Austin Powers impressions.

2 Tarzan
Disney’s animated film about the English child raised by gorillas. It’s what the British call day care.

3 Movie-theater IDs
Kids will have to show proof of age to see R-rated movies. It’ll replace the ”You must be this tall to see naked women” signs.

4 South Park
The movie. Because farts are so much funnier in Dolby Surround Sound.

5 JFK Jr.
The magazine publisher broke his ankle paragliding on Martha’s Vineyard when he landed on something craggy — his Uncle Teddy.

6 Wild Wild West
Will Smith’s version of the old TV show is more sci-fi than Western. Maybe it should have been called Men in Black Hats.

7 Mass Market
The Vatican plans to open a chain of gift stores a la Disney. What’s next? The Pope releases a CD? Oh, wait…

It plans to launch a channel for upscale women viewers. The first mistake? Calling it ”The Chick Channel.”

9 Clearwater, Fla.
Where they arrest people for overdue library books. At least they don’t put them on the parking-ticket chain gang.

10 Oliver Stone
The JFK director was arrested for DUI — the same night we stopped bombing Serbia! Coincidence? I think not.

11 The Chimp Channel
A new show in which TV executives are played by chimpanzees. The hard part was getting the animals to act stupid enough.

12 Heather Locklear
The treacherous harpy from Melrose Place may join the cast of Spin City. She could play a young Leona Helmsley.

13 The Explorer.zip computer virus
What kind of sicko would think up something this cruel? Hey, where was Bill Gates last week?

14 eBay
The online auction house suffered a huge crash. Forcing folks to keep their Beanie Babies for 24 hours.

15 Father’s Day
Get Dad what he’d really like. Better kids.

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