May 14, 1999 at 04:00 AM EDT

We can think of lots of stupid questions for Rob Zombie, whose good-naturedly dark Hellbilly Deluxe has been a surprise chart staple since its release last summer: What shampoo do you use? (”Whatever the hotel gives you in those little bottles.”) You’re on the main stage of Ozzfest; when does the tour kick off? Ok, so that one’s not so dumb. But these certainly are.

1. How come VH1 didn’t put you on Divas?

Probably because they made the mistake of inviting me to the VH1 Awards a couple of years back and I pissed everyone off. They asked who I was there to see and I said, ”No one.” Then they asked if I was excited to see Stevie Wonder and I said, ”No.” So they said, ”Well, why the hell are you here?” I said, ”Because I live one block away and I knew you’d have good backstage catering.” This was all on the air. So I’ve never been invited back.

2. Which diva do you most identify with, Cher or Elton John?

Neither, except that last night I saw Cher on The Tonight Show, and she looked like she wanted to smack Jay Leno.

3. What do you and Britney Spears have in common?

Probably that we both like to dance in the halls of high schools with lots of kids.

4. What makes you scarier than Marilyn Manson?

I don’t think I am scarier than him. I’d say any guy running around with fake breasts is pretty scary.

5. Rob is not a very scary name. Couldn’t you coome up with something with a little more pizzazz?

I guess I coulda called myself Boris. But then I would have had to change my license plates.

6. What about Britney Zombie?

That’s not scary. That’s just stupid.

7. How many times a week does some moron yell something at you about it not being Halloween?

Almost never. Because everyone around me does believe it’s Halloween.

8. The opposite of a hillbilly is a city slicker. What’s the opposite of a hellbelly?

That’d be Billy Crystal.

9. What would convince you to cut off your hair?

One more episode of Seinfeld could have done it. But it’s over, and he’s not returning to sitcoms, so…sorry. Can’t do nothing for you, man.

10. Would you cut it in exchange for a really cool Mr. T Pencil Eraser?

I pity the fool.

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