1 Woody Allen
The director and his wife have a new baby girl. She’s 18 and likes to be called ”Kitten.”
2 The Kentucky Derby
No wonder it’s so popular. What’s not to love about a sport that lasts only two minutes?
3 Howie Mandel
They pulled the plug on his talk show. One down, 57 to go.
A beautiful young insurance investigator tries to catch a thief old enough to be her grandfather. What’s he stealing — Viagra?
5 John Elway
The Denver quarterback is getting out of football. While there’s still time to do something meaningful with his life.
6 Noah’s Ark
Jon Voight collects all the animals two by two. He, of course, stays next door in the stars’ ark.
7 Julia Roberts
The highest-paid female movie star in the world will appear on Law & Order. Or, as it is now called, My Best Friend’s TV Show.
The new diet medicine keeps 30 percent of the fat you eat out of your body. I lost two inches off my forehead.
9 Idle Hands
A horror comedy about a boy who has no control over his evil right hand. It’s the story of Prince William taking up cigarettes.
10 Warning Signs
When people say nutty things and start acting strange, alert the authorities. Has anyone called in Barbra Streisand yet?
11 Phantom Menace
Psst! They’ve decided theaters can sell tickets in advance. Don’t tell the people in line. Pass it on.
That special night when you’ll be photographed in an outfit that will embarrass you the rest of your life.
13 Hard Copy
The show where each story was ”shocking” or ”exclusive” got the ax. Because now you can watch that crap on the network news.
The French Riviera is getting ready for its big festival. They’ve been practicing being insolent all winter.
15 Sinead O’Connor
Now she says she’s a priest. That’s Gaelic for ”one step past a diva.”