1 Another World
NBC is axing its long-running daytime drama. Maybe it’ll be replaced by its other soap opera, The Nightly News With Tom Brokaw.
2 Lucy Lawless
Xena the Warrior Princess has announced she’s expecting a baby. The hard part is trying to find flattering maternity armor.
3 Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman
What ever happened to the old-fashioned idea of staying married for one or two years?
4 The Awful Truth
Michael Moore’s new series about what the evil global-media cabal is doing to us. Or we could watch professional wrestling.
5 The Phantom Menace
Theaters showing it must follow certain rules. No small screens, no talking like Yoda at the snack counter.
6 Earth Day
The planet is 4 billion years old. No wonder it’s cranky.
Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence have a fun time in prison. Guess that’s why criminals go back.
8 Secretary’s Day
”I dont no whut i wood do without yu. Sum peeple say ure the branes of this outfit…”
9 Smart garbage cans
In the future they will read the bar codes on what you throw away and order more of it for you. What if you threw it away because you didn’t like it?
10 D.C. Beavers
Some hungry rodents were caught toppling 87-year-old blossoming cherry trees in the nation’s capital. Ken Starr has already issued them subpoenas.
11 Hawaii Five-O
What will be the biggest difference between the show and the movie? The $9.50 admission charge.
12 Brooke Shields and Andre Agassi
They’re splitting up. Who gets the jewelry?
13 Prime-time TV
A study confirms that the networks are running more ads than ever between 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. I thought the shows seemed better.
14 Jesse Ventura
Neighbors say that he doesn’t close the curtains at the governor’s mansion. It’s disgraceful what you can see with a high-powered telescope.
15 Finger skateboards
The hot new toy for kids. Is this what they mean by digital entertainment?