What’s the difference between the e-mail virus and AOL? One slows down everyone’s e-mail with pointless messages, the other’s just a virus.
2 Bottled Water
It can contain the same impurities as tap water. But they’ll never duplicate the deep, rich color.
3 The Matrix
Keanu Reeves enters a strange world where the laws of nature and common sense don’t apply. He joins the Pat Buchanan campaign.
4 The Phantom Menace
To prevent scalping, George Lucas doesn’t want theaters to sell advance tickets. So you’ll have more money to spend on Star Wars merchandise.
5 The Out-of-Towners
Goldie Hawn and Steve Martin take the worst trip in the history of man. Oh, who hasn’t flown Delta?
They say most Americans can’t find it on a map. Most Americans can’t find America on a map, either.
7 Johnny Carson
The answer: bypass surgery. And the question: What do you do if Dr. Kevorkian’s your surgeon?
8 Keith Richards
Nude pictures of the Rolling Stone are appearing on the Internet. At http://www.makemesick.com.
9 Amy Fisher
The Long Island Lolita could get out of prison early. She gets time off for not writing a book.
10 Kate Moss
The supermodel says she’d be glad to sink into oblivion. She could host a late-night TV show on Fox.
11 Opening Day
You can bet some more records will be broken in baseball this year. For salaries and ticket prices.
12 Ol’ Dirty Bastard
The rapper’s been arrested again. The only thing he hasn’t been in the news for is his music.
13 The Titanic
A court ruled that tourists can visit the underwater site as long as they just take pictures. What else were they going to do down there? Play Frisbee?
A deal to shoot the show in Hawaii fell through, so it’s headed back to Australia. If that doesn’t work, they’re looking at a municipal pool in Cleveland.
15 George Jones
A grand jury is looking into his car accident. Of course, in Nashville it’s called the Grand Ol’ Jury.