1998's best quotes -- Televisions best quips come from ''Ally McBeal,'' ''Frasier,'' and Conan O'Brien

Sound Bites: 1998’s best quotes

”TIME magazine held a 75th-anniversary party, attended by Kathie Lee Gifford, Muhammad Ali, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Dr. Kevorkian. Afterward, the party’s organizers admitted the whole thing was just an elaborate ploy to get Kathie Lee and Dr. Kevorkian in the same room.”
Conan O’Brien on Late Night

”Oh, that’s so strange. I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris.”
Niles (David Hyde Pierce), after he fell asleep with his cheek next to an ice tray, on Frasier

”Prison guards in California are accused of pitting inmates against each other, holding gladiator-style fights for the guards’ amusement. The prison officers now face criminal charges and a possible TV production deal from Fox.”
Colin Quinn on SNL

”Yesterday Pamela Anderson announced she wants to develop a more sophisticated image. So from now on, her breasts are going to wear glasses.”
Conan O’Brien on Late Night

”Paula Jones said she always told the truth and the President never did. And that’s why the more he lies the smaller her nose gets.”
Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect

”Martha Stewart calling you too tame is like Mister Rogers calling you a p—y.”
Ray Romano, reacting to Stewart’s criticism of his White House Correspondents dinner routine, on Late Night

”I’m not gay! Is this because I look like Ellen?”
Finch (David Spade) on Just Shoot Me

”Barbra Streisand married James Brolin at her Malibu estate last week…in only 17 takes.”
Dennis Miller on Dennis Miller Live

”A judge has to have wisdom. He has to have integrity. I am a lawyer.”
Ally McBeal (Calista Flockhart), explaining why she’d make a bad jurist, on Ally McBeal

”Ginger Spice is no longer a Spice Girl…. Apparently what Ginger Spice wants to do is prove she has no talent on her own.”
David Letterman on Late Show

”In the current Ladies’ Home Journal, Nicole Kidman describes hubby Tom Cruise as an avid outdoorsman who likes rock climbing and mountain biking, leading some to whisper that he may be a lesbian.”
Craig Kilborn on The Daily Show

”Anthony Michael Hall developed some kind of thyroid condition, Molly Ringwald lost her gawky ingenue appeal, and the rest are languishing in TV hell.”
Dawson (James Van Der Beek), summing up the Brat Pack’s dismal career fates, on Dawson’s Creek

”Oh, are you pregnant too?”
Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow), reacting to the news that Ross (David Schwimmer) and Emily (Helen Baxendale) were getting married, on Friends

”Genetic engineers…combined one part vermouth and six parts gin and a gene from George Michael to create a martini that shakes itself.”
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show

”I’m not sure I’m up to answering that question.”
Bob Newhart, after being asked about Viagra, on The View

”I worked for Don Ohlmeyer at NBC…and here’s a guy who couldn’t create gas after a bean dinner.”
David Letterman, to Norm Macdonald, whom Ohlmeyer fired from SNL‘s ”Weekend Update,” on Late Show

”Woody Harrelson said he would be willing to endorse a hemp colonic. Easy for him to say. He’s a movie star. He’s used to having people blow smoke up his ass.”
Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect

”Northern Ireland and Great Britain reached a landmark peace settlement that could effectively end an important source of plotlines for Daniel Day-Lewis movies.”
Craig Kilborn on The Daily Show

”The X-Files is moving from Canada to L.A. Producers say the show will basically be the same, except, of course, now all the aliens will have fake breasts.”
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show

In the new Will Smith movie, Enemy of the State, Smith plays a lawyer who is spied on and pursued by the government. TIME called the movie’s invasion-of-privacy themes ‘frightening.’ Newsweek called the story ‘eerily realistic.’ Linda Tripp called it ‘the feel-good movie of the year.”’