TV's funniest lines from December 11 to December 17

”My portfolio’s pretty much tied up in food and shelter.”
Natalie (Sabrina Lloyd), explaining what she does with her income, on Sports Night

”A rear admiral had to resign today because he had an adulterous affair with a defense contractor. Here’s how you know your husband is having an affair with a defense contractor: You find motel receipts for $19 trillion.”
Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect

”The good thing about being pregnant is that you can’t get pregnant.”
Patricia Heaton on The Daily Show

”This guy hasn’t been laid in 10 years.”
Morris Fletcher (Michael McKean), looking around Mulder’s porno-mag-strewn pad, on The X-Files

”In New York this week, Chopper 4, the local NBC news helicopter, crashed into the Passaic River, and the story was covered by the local ABC affiliate. The UPN rowboat also got several Polaroids of the incident.”
Colin Quinn on SNL