Lisa Schwarzbaum has seen Shoshanna Lonstein's underwear, and now she needs to talk about it
So there I was, walking past Bloomingdale’s last week, deep in thought about a magazine ad I recently saw promoting fancy leather carrying cases for cell phones and Palm Pilots as Christmas gifts, and concluding that anyone who would enjoy receiving a leather carrying case for a cell phone or Palm Pilot wouldn’t be the kind of friend I would want to include on my gift list. And that got me to thinking about those infernal TV commercials for cheap clothing, the ones where Morgan Fairchild sings “Old Navy, Old Navy, Old Navy Performance Fleece” while tilting her head from side to side like a Kewpie Doll, and her hair is very very blonde while her eyes are rimmed with very very black eyeliner, so she looks like a mall chick.
And then I looked up, and in the window of Bloomingdale’s was a clothesline on which were pinned tiny, floral-printed thong underpants like the kind Monica Lewinsky might enjoy flashing at the President of the United States of America, and next to the thongs were pinned matching floral-printed bras like the kind Dolly Parton might wear when she was feeling… full.
The window simply said: “Shoshanna.”
And then I realized: This was the next fabulous chapter in the remarkable life of Shoshanna Lonstein, who until they broke up, was famous for being the thong-wearing, very… full, recent-high-school-grad girlfriend of Jerry Seinfeld! Jerry and Shoshanna are no longer an item, as you no doubt know, but fame has clung to her like a Spandex dress, and her photograph continues to appear in newspapers whenever she shows up at a party — just because! Do you want to read about Shoshanna Lonstein? Do you want to buy underwear she claims she has designed herself because it’s always so hard for her to find something that fits? Do you think she would enjoy receiving a leather carrying case for her cell phone? Has the notion of celebrity finally gone utterly, totally mad? Please make a note in your Palm Pilot to let me know.
Gods and Monsters