1 JESSE ”THE BODY” VENTURA When they asked him if he’d have trouble passing legislation he said, ”I don’t know, I’ve never eaten any.”
2 THE WATERBOY There’s already Oscar talk. If it grosses enough, Adam Sandler could be a presenter.
3 HARRISON FORD People named the 56-year-old actor the Sexiest Man Alive. Or was it the Sexiest Man Still Alive?
4 I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER A killer stalks teens in wet T-shirts. The horror version of Porky’s II.
5 THE ERICA KANE DOLL Better keep your room clean or Santa will bring you one for Christmas.
6 ”LOUIE LOUIE” The Supreme Court ruled the Kingsmen deserve royalties for the unintelligible song. They awarded them fthmhhr-fthmhhr something dollars.
7 LINDA EVANGELISTA A designer claims the model showed up overweight and wobbly for his show. She was almost mistaken for a customer.
8 FRIENDS The cast is negotiating once again for more money. If it keeps them from making more movies, I say give it to them.
9 MEET JOE BLACK Brad Pitt plays the Grim Reaper on earth. Every actor’s dream: a three-hour death scene.
10 SHOPLIFT AND SEPARATE Someone in Minnesota has stolen $1,000 worth of 44D bras. That clears Ally McBeal.
11 DECLASSIFIED ABC has decided not to broadcast director Oliver Stone’s program about conspiracies. Because the government got to them.
12 WOODY HARRELSON He’s opened a bar in L.A. that sells shots of oxygen. And instead of a mechanical bull, they have a defibrillator.
13 PUNDITS They got everything about the last election wrong. They now share a bond with network executives.
14 SINGAPORE The notoriously strict country has relaxed its prohibition on dancing. Their favorite is the Canerena.
15 DOUG FLUTIE He’s taught us all a lesson. You can be 5’10” and 175 pounds and still get the crap beat out of you in football each week.