TV's funniest lines from September 11 to 17

”The fruit fly [lives for just] one day. At lunchtime you’re having a midlife crisis. And if you die before noon, it’s a tragedy: ‘Oh, he had his whole day ahead of him.”’
Ray Romano on Late Show With David Letterman

”You got a black Michael Jackson?”
Chris Rock to a Harlem shopkeeper after being shown a portrait of a black Princess Diana, on The Chris Rock Show

”According to the New York Post it turns out President Clinton may have been involved with another intern…Apparently Clinton was trying to break JFK’s record of 61 in one season.”
David Letterman on Late Show

”Put that donor dot on your driver’s license and drive like the wind. You know I love you all, but waste not, want not.”
An Alcoholic Speaker in search of a liver transplant, at an Addictions Anonymous meeting on Showtime’s Rude Awakening