1 PUFF DADDY Sean ”Puffy” Combs has agreed to write his story for seven figures. He plans to sample all the great bios of the ’80s.
2 CANDICE BERGEN 60 Minutes wants the Murphy Brown star to be a real reporter. Don Hewitt needs to have his head examined by Kelsey Grammer.
3 MIKE BARNICLE The Boston Globe columnist was suspended for lifting jokes from George Carlin. Idiot. Lift them from Jay Leno, like I do.
4 THE RAT PACK Hey, baby, a swingin’ re-creation of Frank, Dean, Sammy, Peter, and Joey. And a lesson on how to treat a broad wit’ respect.
5 THE AVENGERS Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman prevent an evil billionaire from taking over the world. So it’ll be run the way it is now — by evil millionaires.
6 THE ROLLING STONES Russians waited more than 30 years to see them in concert there. Of course, they thought they were in line to buy jeans.
7 THAT ’70S SHOW A tribute to the bell-bottom-mood-ring culture. It’s on the Non-Learning Channel.
8 MISS TEEN USA PAGEANT Contestants compete in several categories. Pouting, Whining, and Fussing With Hair.
9 HOW STELLA GOT HER GROOVE BACK A businesswoman falls for a man half her age. The problem is that she’s 26.
10 MADONNA She’s so hard to shop for. What can you get someone who’s had everyone?
11 HOWARD STERN The King of All Media has a new TV show. It’s rated PF-13: Penis and Fart jokes for 13-year-olds.
12 DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS Two college buds want a roommate who will commit suicide so they can get automatic 4.0’s. Then they’ll be able to get into law school.
13 BLADE SQUAD A TV movie about futuristic cops who use rocket-fueled Rollerblades. They replace Baked Bean Squads.
14 ELVIS’ DEATH DAY Some think it should be a national holiday. Instead of a card, you can buy your mother a house.
15 PEACE-OF-MIND GUM BALLS They cost $4 for 20 pieces. They’re selling better than ”Why Am I So Fat?” hard candies.
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