What the country is talking about this week ...

1 GARY COLEMAN A woman claims that the former Diff’rent Strokes star hit her after she asked for an autograph. And her knees still hurt.

2 SNAKE EYES Nicolas Cage must solve a bizarre murder at an Atlantic City boxing match. Somebody was bitten to death.

3 J.D. SALINGER A former lover says they never had sex but he taught her how to vomit. And they say romance is dead.

4 SEINFELD ON BROADWAY Scalpers are getting up to $1,500 a ticket. With that kind of hosing, they should each come with a free Today Sponge.

5 MONICA’S DRESS Most people do believe the stain came from a liaison in the White House. In the kitchen.

6 WALTER CRONKITE What’s the biggest difference between covering John Glenn’s spaceflight more than 35 years ago and today? Now they’re both on oxygen.

7 JESUS Hollywood Walk of Fame administrators are upset that a church embedded his star in the sidewalk. Normally it wouldn’t be a problem, but it took Leonardo DiCaprio’s spot.

8 76.1 YEARS That’s how long the average American will live. Each time the NRA loses a member, the age goes up.

9 THE HEAT Restaurants in the Lone Star state are replacing Baked Alaska with Baked Texas. It’s beef jerky on toast.

10 THREE STOOGES BEER A Massachusetts brewery has put their picture on a bottle. Most barflies think it’s a mirror.

11 THE QUEEN MUM She turns 98 this week. Prince Charles sent her snakes in a can.

12 THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS Y&R has been the No. 1 soap opera for 500 weeks in a row. It can now change its name to M&S, for The Middle-Aged and the Sedate.

13 HALLOWEEN: H20 Jamie Lee Curtis returns with a 20th-anniversary Halloween film. Her screaming here shows a depth and maturity missing from the earlier films.

14 NATIONAL PARKS Yosemite will get nearly 4 million visitors this year. You’ll see more nature at an auto show.

15 ANTHONY EDWARDS The ER star agreed to four more seasons for $35 million. But they do have good benefits.