What the country is talking about this week...

1 SAVING PRIVATE RYAN Some say this war movie is too realistic. But so far everyone who’s seen it has lived.

2 AEROSMITH Their drummer burned himself at a gas station. Earning him an automatic spot in This Is Spinnal Tap II.

3 MIKE TYSON The ear-biting fighter has applied for a boxing license in New Jersey. Where being an ex-con is considered a plus.

4 THE 100 BEST NOVELS OF THE CENTURY Also known as the 100 Least-Read Books of the Century.

5 FUN-SHIP FLAMBE More than 3,400 vacations were cut short when a cruise ship caught fire. It was a big mistake—they were supposed to get food poisoning.

6 DAVID DUCHOVNY He made Mattel remake some X-Files dolls because he wasn’t happy with his. He wants the kind that doesn’t wet its pants.

7 PAULA JONZ She might as well change her name. Would you recognize her after a nose job?

8 POPCORN Several companies have banned the microwaved treat because of the odor. It was taking employees’ minds off personal phone calls.

9 DISTURBING BEHAVIOR Unruly teenagers are turned into Stepford teens. The bad news is that it’s not a documentary.

10 MAFIA! A spoof of gangster movies from one of the makers of Airplane! Finally, the fun side of getting whacked.

11 DAVID LETTERMAN A local affiliate owner took him off the air because the show couldn’t provide studio tickets for his friends. Sounds like network executive material.

12 THE HEAT WAVE It’s much too early to know if it’s global warming. We should wait until it’s too late to do anything and be sure.

13 OURFIRSTTIME.COM The two 18-year-old virgins doing it on the Net turned out to be a scam. They couldn’t find two.

14 JERRY SPRINGER Despite the promises, his shows are returning to idiotic, mindless slugfests. Unlike, say, Crossfire.

15 SUGAR BUSTERS! The latest weight-loss fad blames sugars, not fat, for your extra pounds. It’s great because you can become thin and bitter at the same time.