Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet
1 DR. QUINN, MEDICINE WOMAN Angry fans are writing letters to save the canceled show. They might get further if they’d stop using AARP stationery.
2 BMI The new formula to find out if you’re overweight. It replaces the old method of finger-pointing and snickering.
3 BOB HOPE A member of Congress delivered a premature obituary for the very-much-alive comic. Hey—if those guys can get the easy stuff wrong…
4 VIRTUAL U Some states are forming an Internet university that you attend online. Finally, a varsity Dungeons & Dragons team.
5 SIX DAYS, SEVEN NIGHTS A man and a woman who hate each other are stranded on a desert island. It was supposed to star Rosie O’Donnell and Jerry Springer.
6 GILLIGAN Sixties sitcom star Bob Denver was busted for pot possession. The cops spotted him acting goofy.
7 MARIAH CAREY The singer is being sued by her limousine driver for $1.5 million. Plus tolls.
8 DAVID CASSIDY The Partridge Family star is trying to revive his career. Clear!!
9 CAN’T HARDLY WAIT A movie about a raucous party on the last night of high school. Until the cops arrive and make the teachers stop celebrating.
10 RIVERDANCE A producer says a tape is run during live shows to make the tapping louder. How low—toe synching.
11 MALT-O-MEAL The discount cereal is suspected of having salmonella. The good news: Count Chocula is now health food.
12 LISA MARIE PRESLEY The heiress has signed a recording contract. Her first song: “You Ain’t Nothing but a Non-Pedigreed Canine.”
13 CHARLTON HESTON The outspoken actor will head the NRA. He’s also working on a new movie, Pulp Ben-Hur.
14 GUINNESS FLEADH A two-day festival of Irish music. It’s pronounced “flah” and means “Are you drinking that?”
15 MORE TALES OF THE CITY The show too controversial for PBS. They’ll show Huge Animals Having Kinky Sex instead.
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