All you need to know to understand Jerry?s best friend

AGGRAVATION INSTALLMENT PLAN Prolonged guilt trip his parents will foist on him if he shows up late for their 47th wedding-anniversary dinner 23

APPLE Crunching one audibly allows him to sound casual while talking to women on the phone 9

ATOMIC WEDGIES Infamous underwear torture he suffered in high school 22

BALD PARADISE His idyllic vision of the 1930s, when all men wore hats and women couldn’t tell who had bad (or no) hair 38

BECAUSE IT’S THERE The reason he masturbates 49

BOSCO His PIN number; also his favorite chocolate syrup 111

BRAUN, LLOYD Mrs. Costanza’s comparative emblem of virtue and the recurring bane of his existence 68, 114, 151

CASTRO, FIDEL Leader he meets when Steinbrenner sends ”Communist pipeline” George to investigate the ”vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent” 92

CLEANING WOMAN He’s always been attracted to them, and is sacked from Pendant after a desktop tryst with one 29

CHUCKING George’s basketball-playing style, whereby he shoots the ball at every opportunity 34

‘CRACKED’ Magazine he reads instead of watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s for his book club 87

‘DAILY NEWS’ The paper is his self-professed sole reason for getting up in the morning. 39

DANSON, TED Cheers star whose salary he quotes throughout the NBC negotiations; he says he can’t live ”knowing Danson makes so much more than me” 42, 43, 44

DIGNITY Virtue he’d prefer to die without, given he’s lived his life in shame 61

DOUBLE-DIPPING Social faux pas (sticking chips back into dip after taking a bite) of which he’s guilty 57, 61

THE DROP DOWN Humiliating loss in height suffered when one switches from Timberland boots to flats: ”I saw her eye to eye — I can’t go eye to chin.” 156 (FYI: he’s been known to wear lifts 140)

DUTY FREE ”The biggest sucker deal in retail” 50

ECLAIR Custard-filled dessert he fishes out of a girlfriend’s gar- bage, to her mother’s disgust 88

THE ENTHUSIASTIC ”HI!” Extra-excited phone greeting he expects from potential dates 9

EXERCISING THE GASKETS Pointless toilet-flushing task a vacationing Jerry gives him (because he’s jealous Elaine got to pick up Jerry’s mail) 164

FESTIVUS Loathed anti-Christmas holiday invented by his father; family gathers around ”the aluminum pole” and lists the ways they’ve disappointed each other in the past year 158

FISKE, WHITEY Made-up childhood friend; a reaction to Jerry’s real camp pal Fragile Frankie Merman: ”I was jealous. [Frankie] was the summer me.” 153

FRANZ, DENNIS A poster of the follicularly challenged NYPD Blue star is in his bathroom 129

GARGOYLE He feels like one atop his handicapped toilet 150

GIANT It’s all he thinks about — sleeping with one 34

GOOD MEETING STORY Cute anecdote all successful couples have about their first encounter; he blames his relationship failure on never having met a woman in an interesting way 36

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