TV's funniest lines from April 24 to May 1

”In Ellen‘s old time slot, ABC will continue to air the surprisingly successful new show Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place after changing its title to Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place, but No Lesbians.”
Craig Kilborn on The Daily Show

”The kid’s so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack-smoking porn freak.”
Jimmy (Stephen Root), recommending his nephew for an internship, on NewsRadio

”Michael Jackson and his wife have had a second child. Michael said the hardest part about having kids with his busy schedule is not being there when the baby is conceived.”
Dennis Miller on Dennis Miller Live

”As a joke, O.J. Simpson tried to stab an interviewer with a banana. Here’s the strange part: They can’t find the banana.”
David Letterman on Late Show