National TV-Turnoff Week -- What to watch without TV

National TV-Turnoff Week

Don’t panic. Take some slow, deep breaths. You may have heard that April 22 to 28 is National TV-Turnoff Week. Sounds pretty grim. Suddenly, no Susan! A serious lack of access to Hollywood! 168 hours without 48 Hours! Thankfully, EW is ready to help. Here’s our scientific method for simulating all your favorite programs. Come to think of it, you may never need your tube again.

Pining for Cinemax? Take off all your clothes and call the pizza guy.

Paint a wall, watch it dry. It’s JAG!

Lock yourself in the bathroom with nothing but beans and prune juice. Voila! Your very own South Park!

Visit Grandpa at the Tranquil Meadows Rest Home. A real-life CBS. Swing your cat and trip your kids. A poor man’s America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Unscrew the back of your TV set. Hello, Discovery Channel!

Put a micromini on your broom. It’s Ally McBeal!

Get that Sister, Sister sensation in three easy steps? 1. Go to the kitchen. 2. Turn on your Cuisinart. 3. Insert hand.

Draw a face on a 2 by 4. That’s right — Charlie Rose!

Turn on the radio and stare out the window. Same production values as UPN.

Program your own sweeps. Here’s how: Drag your nails down a chalkboard while popping your pimples. It’s a NannyDawson’s Creek crossover!

Open your cupboard and note all the different types of canned goods. You’re Andy Rooney.

Miss the Home Shopping Network? Create your own — just light a fire and toss in your wallet.

Drop acid while growing some Sea Monkeys. You’ve got yourself some Teletubbies.

— Jamie Bufalino and A.J. Jacobs