The funniest TV lines from the week of March 6, 1998

”A 78-year-old man with a walker opened fire in a Nevada casino…. Two bystanders who were injured…went back to the tables to gamble. You know, if an old man with a walker shoots at you, maybe it’s not your lucky night.” —Colin Quinn on SNL

”The first telegraph message the Titanic sent after being hit by an iceberg is being sold at auction. [It] reads: ‘Help. They won’t stop playing Celine Dion’s Titanic song.”’ —Conan O’Brien on Late Night

”Clinton’s speech was intended to rally support among the American people, who are deeply worried that another war with Iraq might somehow preempt the final episode of Seinfeld.” —Craig Kilborn on The Daily Show

”You get the feeling President Clinton is determined to get Saddam Hussein?… This guy will go after anything in a beret.” —David Letterman on Late Show