Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

1 Married Spice That’s what Posh Spice could call herself after the wedding. And after a few kids she’ll be known as Old Spice.

2 The Apostle Robert Duvall plays a troubled preacher touched by God. The best part — one person buys popcorn, and there’s enough for everyone.

3 Nagano Let’s not forget the real message of the Winter Games: It’s not really a sport if an American can’t win it.

4 Linda Evans and Yanni The New Age couple have gone their separate ways. They cited irreconcilable auras.

5 Desperate Measures Andy Garcia needs the help of an evil genius to save his son. But Bill Gates won’t cooperate.

6 Deep Rising A luxury liner is attacked by a sea monster. It got tired of waiting for another one to hit an iceberg.

7 Sex A study says men with the most education get the least sex. So the pickup line “What’s your major?” has been changed to “Should I take the GED?”

8 Wag the Dog Will the movie about a sex scandal at the White House get a boost from recent headlines? Only if they add a car chase and some kickboxing.

9 Chumbawamba One band member implied it was okay to shoplift their CD from chain stores. “I get knocked down/but I get cuffed again/ain’t no one gonna bail me out.”

10 Twinkie Recall The cakes were pulled from stores. They were missing the “Best when eaten before 2006” stamp.

11 The Budweiser Lizards A hit with preteen beer drinkers. Will they get their own Saturday-morning show?

12 Swordfish Some restaurants will voluntarily stop serving it for a year. Why can’t Slim Jims be endangered?

13 The Cultivation Game A board game about the pitfalls of marijuana. Great for killing time in the exercise yard.

14 Three A new show about young, good-looking crimefighters. It’s a TV fact that homely cops can’t catch criminals.

15 Teletubbies The mind-numbing British TV show for babies is coming to America. Only here it’ll be called Jerry Springer.