A Good Offense
Celebrity life just keeps getting harder.
The pesky paparazzi, those grueling hair-and-makeup sessions, and now there’s South Park kickin’ star ass. Just look at how gleefully the show savages today’s (and yesterday’s) entertainers.
STAR: Sally Struthers, ”Save the Children” spokesperson ROLE: Caught in Africa secretly stuffing her face; villagers roast her on a spit. WHY HER: ”If you’re going to do those ads and be that fat, you’re setting yourself up,” says Parker. Reaction: She’s too busy to have seen it: ”TV’s not on her plate,” says her manager.
STAR: Kathie Lee Gifford, chipper morning-chat-show host ROLE: In South Park to hand out an award, a shrill Kathie Lee is the target of a botched assassination attempt. WHY HER: ”F — – her,” Stone says. ”There’s nothing else to say.” REACTION: No comment from the usually verbose Ms. Gifford.
STAR: David Caruso, actor who unwisely left NYPD Blue ROLE: Kyle’s brother does an impression of Caruso’s career: a head-first dive. WHY HIM: ”We needed a career which was tanking,” says Parker, who adds the joke was made pre-Michael Hayes. REACTION: ”It’s the best publicity I had all year,” says Caruso.
STAR: Enya, Celtic crooner of New Age ditties ROLE: To teach Stan the horrors of aging, his grandpa locks him in a room and forces him to listen to Enya. WHY HER: ”F — – her,” Stone says. ”We were at this New Agey place, and they were playing Enya, and it was driving us nuts.” REACTION: No comment.
STAR: Edward James Olmos, brooding star of Selena and Stand and Deliver ROLE: Kenny wins a prize on Halloween for his Edward James Olmos ”costume,” which consists mainly of bad pockmarks. WHY HIM: ”Edward James Olmos has such nice skin,” Stone says. REACTION: No comment.
STAR: Tina Yothers, Family Ties daughter Role: When a monstrously obese Yothers comes to town to judge the Halloween costume contest, Cartman asks, ”Who?” WHY HER: ”We were trying to come up with celebrities who might be dead and you wouldn’t even know it,” Parker says. REACTION: No comment.
STAR: Philip Glass, avant-garde composer ROLE: Conductor for Park’s ”Happy Non-Offensive, Non-Denominational Christmas Play.” WHY HIM: ”F — – Philip Glass,” Stone says. REACTION: ”I think it’s great Philip is part of the pop-culture canon,” says his press agent.
— AJJ, with additional reporting by Ari Voukydis