”President Clinton held a press conference to announce the name of his dog, Buddy. You know, if I’m that dog, I’m going to be a little nervous, because I believe most of President Clinton’s buddies are in jail.” DAVID LETTERMAN on Late Show

”You both say the same thing: ‘Lie back, relax, you won’t feel a thing.”’ DEBRA (PATRICIA HEATON), on how sex with Ray is like going to the dentist, on Everybody Loves Raymond

”Woody Allen flew to Los Angeles for the first time in 12 years to attend a movie premiere with Soon-Yi. When asked why it’s been so long, Woody said, ‘I was waiting for one of those ”kids fly free” deals.”’ CONAN O’BRIEN on Late Night

”You know what’s really amazing about Robert Downey Jr.? He has three movies that will be out before he is.” JAY LENO on The Tonight Show