JIM MULLEN'S HOTSHEET: Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley go Amish.

1 For Richer or Poorer Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley pretend to be Amish. So they don’t have to see this kind of crap.

2 Home Alone 3 Which is about how old you’d have to be to enjoy it.

3 Prodigy It’s songs like their ”Smack My Bitch Up” that contribute to the violence and brutality in society today. They should be killed.

4 The Postman Kevin Costner risks his life to deliver the mail after an apocalyptic war. The first letter says, ”You may already be a winner.”

5 Tomorrow Never Dies It’s James Bond’s most difficult mission. He has to find out what the title means.

6 Irradiating Meat Some people think it’s dangerous. They like their food the old-fashioned way—microwaved.

7 Kathie Lee Gifford Once again, it’s been revealed that underpaid laborers have been making her clothes in sweatshops. Hey, at least it’s made in America.

8 Titanic Dr. Kevorkian’s idea of a ”Fun Ship” cruise.

9 Time to sue the doughnuts A New Hampshire woman claims she got a box of suggestively shaped Munchkins. She must have gotten Lorena Bobbitt’s order by mistake.

10 Robert Downey Jr. He’s lucky he’s spending only six months in jail. His agent kept insisting he wouldn’t settle for less than 12.

11 Scream 2 A horror film that makes fun of the clichés in other horror films. Like having a lot of numbered sequels.

12 Mikhail Gorbachev The former Soviet leader stars in a new Pizza Hut commercial. For their new ”Stand in a long line, then don’t get what you want” promotion.

13 Fleetwood Mac They’ve decided not to extend their tour. Too many shows were running past their bedtime.

14 Deconstructing Harry Woody Allen plays a divorced Jewish writer in Manhattan who likes young women. Hard to believe he never gets writer’s block.

15 Richard Branson What do you call a guy who can’t hold on to a balloon? A billionaire.