Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

1 A Thousand Acres A tyrannical dad makes life miserable for his three daughters. Based on either King Lear or the Jenny Jones show.

2 ER Their season premiere will be live. It’s exactly like Broadway except for the commercials and the salaries.

3 L.A. Confidential Bad cops in cahoots with tabloids to catch celebrities in compromising positions in 1950s Hollywood. Ah, the good old days.

4 Paula Jones Is the IRS on her case because she’s suing the President? Knowing them, they probably just found out about it.

5 Cloned A TV movie about every parent’s nightmare — raising the same child twice.

6 The Diana stamp Queen Elizabeth has put the idea on hold. She couldn’t find any good pictures of her.

7 Cracker Crusty psychologist Robert Pastorelli helps the police solve crimes. ”Stop, or I’ll analyze!”

8 Broccoli sprouts They contain strong cancer-preventing chemicals. The bad news is that you have to take them orally.

9 Nothing Sacred A new show about a young, unorthodox, poker-playing priest. A young priest? Maybe on The X-Files.

10 CMA Awards The biggest stars of country music will be there. Where else can you see monster wheels on a limo?

11 Fen-phen It’s hard to believe the FDA would let something that dangerous on the market. Another cheese-filled doughnut, anyone?

12 Yasmine Bleeth She’s leaving Baywatch because she can no longer ”take money for doing something I hate.” Isn’t that why they give you the money?

13 Miss America It turns out her father had served on the pageant’s board of directors. And they were worried that a two-piece bathing suit would offend people.

14 Brooklyn South Yet another gritty, real-life, in-your-face urban police drama. No wonder crime is down. Everyone’s at home watching one of these.

15 Bad roads A report says potholes cause billions of dollars in car damage each year. And I drive that car.