The 15 hottest topics the week of September 12, 1997

1 Christy Turlington She’s dropped out of the Fashion Cafe. Now who’ll do all the work?

2 Ed Koch The former Big Apple mayor takes over The People’s Court. The main difference will be all the extra New York City employees standing around doing nothing.

3 Martha Stewart The domestic goddess has bought property in Maine. She’s moving in as soon as the ocean is dyed the right color.

4 El Nino Spanish for ”What happened to my beach house?”

5 Bob Dylan He’s playing a concert for the Pope this month. Since it takes a miracle to understand his singing.

6 Sylvester Stallone He’s selling his Miami mansion for $27.5 million. Dishwasher included?

7 Gasoline Prices rose in response to extremely complex global socio-economic stimuli — the execs wanted raises.

8 Bathroom police A casino has started electronically monitoring hand washing by employees. It’s called ”Mom’s Gambling Den.”

9 Fire Down Below Steven Seagal performs on the soundtrack of his new film. Fans say he sings almost as well as he acts.

10 Ex-Lax It’s been pulled from shelves because an ingredient caused cancer in animals. But they all died at 7:30 on the dot.

11 Miss America For the first time, contestants get to wear two-piece swimsuits. But brain surgery will still be banned from the talent competition.

12 Mosquitoes A disease-carrying breed is causing quite a scare in Florida. One bite and you become five feet tall and want to drive a Cadillac.

13 Big King Burger King’s double-patty answer to the Big Mac. Just the thing to eat while watching those Soloflex commercials.

14 The Spice Girls The rumor is that each one will get her own perfume. Now you too can smell like spandex.

15 Ellen DeGeneres The actress says she’s not ready to kiss a woman on prime-time television. What about on morning television?