The 15 hottest topics the week of September 5, 1997

1 Dodi and Di New pictures of them kissing have put them on the front pages again. Do they own stock in the tabloids?

2 Party colleges West Virginia University came in first. They don’t require your SAT scores on applications. They use your Breathalyzer results.

3 Kull the Conqueror Kevin Sorbo, a.k.a. TV’s Hercules, stars as a bare-chested ancient warrior. What a stretch.

4 ABC Their ads tell us to watch more TV. Airing some good shows would help.

5 Christian Slater The latest celebrity to be accused of biting someone. Haven’t they heard about the dangers of under-cooked food?

6 QVC The TV shopping channel will sell Engelbert Humperdinck’s $3.95 million house. You could afford it if you hadn’t bought all their other junk.

7 Oasis They say their new CD isn’t a Beatles rip-off. But if you play it backward, it says ”Liam is dead.”

8 Joan Lunden They say she’s leaving GMA voluntarily. Then why was she outside the Today show window with a ”Will Work for Food” sign?

9 Tainted hamburgers They threw away 25 million pounds of ground beef. Suddenly we’re getting a lot more Swiss steak in the company cafeteria.

10 MTV video awards The prize you get for turning kids into short-attention-spanned, socially deficient zombies.

11 Chelsea Clinton The First Daughter is off to college. Her Secret Service detail is out getting tattoos and nose rings so they’ll blend in.

12 Pink flamingos The lawn ornaments are turning 40. All lawn jockeys and bent-over grandmas are coming to the party.

13 Telluride Film Festival The true spirit of independent filmmaking. And don’t forget, corporate jets park free.

14 Xena She’s playing tough gal Rizzo in Broadway’s Grease! It’s like the original, but she carries a switch sword.

15 Anthony Quinn The 82-year-old actor went through a messy divorce so he could remarry. When’s he going to stop acting like he’s 70?