[This article consists of quotes and illustration — see below]


At a recent concert, the singer Jewel walked off stage mid-song after being hit with a Frisbee. In a related story, Frisbees will now be sold at all Michael Bolton concerts.” — CONAN O’BRIEN on Late Night

He’s hung like a club-tailed horsefly.” — Entomologist BAMBI BERENBAUM (Bobbie Phillips), referring to a well-endowed cockroach, on The X-Files

Yeah, but they’re off the end of your life, and those years are crappy.” — DICK (John Lithgow), to a nonsmoker who said cigarettes take 10 years off your life, on 3rd Rock From the Sun

This Thursday, businesses around the country will be celebrating the fourth annual Take Our Daughters to Work Day. Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it…Thursday.” — NORM MACDONALD on SNL

I’m dating a man whose pool I once peed in.” — MONICA (Courteney Cox), after kissing a childhood pal’s father (Tom Selleck), on Friends

The FBI says [suspected Unabomber Ted] Kaczynski is vehemently antitechnology. Well, you know, except for bombs.” — DENNIS MILLER on Dennis Miller Live

We’ve got an awful lot of members that don’t understand that harass is one word, not two.” — REP. PAT SCHROEDER, on being a woman in Congress, on Politics With Chris Matthews

Independence Day is a blockbuster. Washington is flattened and the First Lady dies. President Clinton called it the ‘feel-good hit of the summer.”’ — BILL MAHER on Politically Incorrect

It’s nice to put a face with the hole in the wedding pictures.” — CAROLINE (Lea Thompson), meeting Del’s ex-wife (Joely Fisher), on Caroline in the City

Do you want her real name, or the name she dances under?” — JON STEWART, when Daisy Fuentes asked him his girlfriend’s name, on Later

Heavens, no! Somebody would subpoena it!” — HILLARY CLINTON, on why she doesn’t keep a diary, on The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer

I haven’t read the comics since I realized Beetle Bailey wasn’t going to shoot anybody.” — MR. JAMES (Stephen Root) on NewsRadio

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.” — JOAN RIVERS on Politically Incorrect

According to a study by the Neurosciences Institute of San Diego, eating chocolate can have the same effect as marijuana. In fact, today Bill Clinton said he tried a Snickers bar in college, but he never swallowed.” — JAY LENO on The Tonight Show

How many of you are just glad I’m not John Tesh?” — DAVID LETTERMAN, kicking off his first post-Olympics Late Show

They come over here and steal our jobs — those Chunnel-digging, giant-rock- building, mad-cow-breeding, room-temperature-beer-drinking scone-heads!” — DREW (Drew Carey), after a Brit was hired as his boss, on The Drew Carey Show

I’ve actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, ‘I’m in here when you’re walking around like that?”’ — ROBIN WILLIAMS, discussing his body hair, on Al Roker

He was humping everything in sight. I have a Malibu Barbie who can no longer wear white to her wedding.” — RACHEL (Jennifer Aniston), on why Marcel the Monkey had to leave, on Friends

Pamela Lee said her name is tattooed on her husband’s penis. Which explains why she changed her name from Anderson to Lee.” — CONAN O’BRIEN on Late Night

Okay, both you guys are in a bar….Stop me if you’ve heard this one.” — MAYOR WINSTON (Barry Bostwick), to a rabbi and a priest, on Spin City

I say we never go out anymore. He says the Holocaust never happened. You know how couples pick.” — CATHY LADMAN, on an argument with her goy boyfriend, on Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist

When asked what he thought of the Yankees’ victory, Bob Dole said he was surprised because the South was doing so well and that Robert E. Lee seemed to have things under control.” — ROSIE O’DONNELL on The Rosie O’Donnell Show

Our old buddy Dennis Rodman was down at the Olympics this week. Fans were going crazy. Let me tell you something: He puts his panties on one leg at a time like everyone else.” — JAY LENO on The Tonight Show