The top stories from the week of April 5, 1996
United Airlines now serves its coffee. A switch from vacuum-cleaner dirt in water.
2. THE FINAL FOUR
Tickets are going for up to $8,000. Scalpers’ kids will go to much better colleges than yours will.
3. THE NEW 100-DOLLAR BILL
They’ve changed everything about it. Even the name. It’s called a ”20.”
4. CHRISTOPHER DARDEN
Call the Guinness Book of Records. His closing argument is now entering its sixth month.
5. TOBACCO COMPANIES
Ex-employees can’t wait to squeal. My local restaurant already has a ”no whistle-blower” section.
6. MAD-COW DISEASE
Europeans are afraid British beef will hurt them. Look what it did to the royals.
7. ROSS PEROT
He may run for President or he may not. But if he wins, he’ll make the tough choices. Or he may not.
8. THE GRAND CANYON
They have to release water from a dam to cause flooding. On the Mississippi, all you have to do is build a house.
Radio’s other bad boy made a glaring faux pas at the annual Washington press corps dinner. He told the truth.
10. MICHAEL JACKSON
At his amusement parks, you’ll have to be taller than this sign to ride the Giant Glove.
11. SAME-SEX MARRIAGES
Only San Francisco has made them legal. Unlike no-sex marriages, which are legal everywhere.
12. ACADEMY AWARDS
People playing drunks, prostitutes, and murderers all took home Oscars. It’s so nice to be honored by your peers.
13. NASH BRIDGES
Don Johnson plays a totally different kind of investigator than he did on Miami Vice. He wears socks.
14. SGT. BILKO
Huckster Steve Martin thinks the Army exists only for him to make money. He’ll make a fine defense contractor.
15. OLIVER STONE
Trying to get publicity for Mexican rebels, he spent Oscar night with them. So, who did their masks — Armani?