1. DAVID COPPERFIELD
The illusionist is opening a theme restaurant. Eat a hamburger, and he’ll make $10 disappear.
2. THE COMA COP
He woke up after seven and a half years. Except for Bob Dole, everything’s different.
3. RUPERT MURDOCH
He’ll give politicians free time on Fox: guest spots on America’s Most Wanted.
4. MISTRESS OF TIME
121-year-old Jeanne Calment has released a rap record. It had to happen — everyone says she’s def.
5. SPRING TRAINING
Baseball players have to get back in shape. Who knows when they’ll have to walk a picket line?
6. MICHAEL JACKSON
He wants to buy a chateau in France. La Toya told him that was French for llama.
7. PAT BUCHANAN
He wants to put a wall across the Mexican border. If only we could find some good cheap labor to build it.
8. TAMMY FAYE
She ”resigned” from her new low-rated talk show. Rumor has it eyeliner is missing from the green room.
9. UP CLOSE & PERSONAL
Robert Redford teaches Michelle Pfeiffer to be a TV reporter. Didn’t she know how to apply makeup?
The opera singer’s in love with his 26-year-old assistant. Or is it her Eau de Pasta perfume?
She fired three writers who she found worked for her ex. Would you tell anyone you worked for Tom Arnold?
12. ELLE MACPHERSON AND SEAN PENN
There are things in your fridge that will last longer than this relationship.
13. DOWN PERISCOPE
Kelsey Grammer commands the Navy’s most decrepit submarine: the USS Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.
14. THE FOOD POLICE
They claim a plate of sausage, bacon, pancakes, eggs, and buttered toast is unhealthy. So get the sausage on the side.
The band is reuniting. Great. The wedding and bar mitzvah circuit could use some new blood.