1 NEIL YOUNG The renegade rocker has bought the Lionel toy-train company. It’s security in case he ever loses his voice.
2 TIME WARNER It’s decided to sell off its gangsta rap label. Besides, it heard there was more money in robber-baron rap.
3 HOW TO MAKE AN AMERICAN QUILT Easy. Hire a company in Taiwan.
4 MAD TV The new show that’s going up against Saturday Night Live. But it wants to do something different. Like comedy.
5 400 RICHEST AMERICANS Forbes‘ list of the filthy rich. The rest of us are on a list of those who paid the most taxes.
6 $100 BILLS To prevent counterfeiting, they’ve made some design changes. Too many drug dealers were getting cheated.
7 TED DANSON AND MARY STEENBURGEN The Clintons may attend their wedding. If it doesn’t work out, expect years of congressional hearings.
8 ASSASSINS Action-movie elder Sly Stallone only kills one person in the entire film. But it’s gruesome: He gums him to death.
9 MEDICARE REFORM Newt’s discovered a new way to save billions. He’s going to let Jack Kevorkian run it.
10 O.J. EXPERTS Now they’re unemployment-benefit experts.
11 LAMBORGHINI DIABLO It only gets 9 miles a gallon. The weight of all the women hanging off it brings the number down.
12 TED KOPPEL He says he’ll quit ABC if it signs Letterman and puts him in Nightline‘s spot. And lose a team player like Ted?
13 STRANGE DAYS This week’s cybercaper. A more plausible crime: Someone steals your computer while you’re at the movies.
14 THE POPE’S VISIT New York City traffic jams for four days. Just don’t tell him it’s always like that.
15 BRANAGH AND THOMPSON The prince and princess of British film have called it quits. What you’d expect from a royal family.