AWARD TO THE WISE
SAVVY PERFORMANCES BY A CAVALCADE OF INTERACTIVE STARS MAY NOT BE WORTHY OF OSCARS BUT LEND A SHOWBIZ SHEEN TO A BUDDING MEDIUM. HERE, THEN, WE PRESENT THE EWWYS.
By the time you read this, we’ll all have just staggered through another Oscar ceremony and its attendant mix of mind-bendingly tacky dance numbers and obscure British thespians. Last month it was the Grammys, and in September it’s the Emmys. But where can you find a ceremony honoring the notable performances in interactive multimedia?
Well, there was last year’s Cybermania ’94: The Ultimate Gamer Awards, a presentation so forced and inept that it does not even qualify. Unfortunately, that also sums up a lot of the performances, even those by well-known actors. The problems are obvious: You can cast Daniel Day-Lewis, but it won’t do a bit of good if all he gets to say is ”Hurry! We have to get to the space dock before the Zargons land!”
Nonetheless, some performances deserve to be singled out. In the Oscar spirit, EW presents the first annual multimedia-performance awards, the EWwys — pronounced as if you’ve just bitten into a bad clam. The envelopes, please…
— Most Disturbing Portrayal of a Villain: Nominees include Jimmie F. Skaggs in Blown Away, Malcolm McDowell in Wing Commander III, and Vincent Schiavelli in Corpse Killer. And the winner is…Dennis Hopper in Hell: A Cyberpunk Thriller, for making Satan almost as scary as Frank Booth in Blue Velvet.
— Most Lifelike Impersonation of a Celebrity by That Celebrity: Nominees include Dr. Ruth Westheimer in Dr. Ruth’s Encylopedia of Sex, Vanna White in Wheel of Fortune, and the members of Aerosmith in Quest for Fame. And the winner is…Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione, who presides over Virtual Photo Shoot like a true eminence sleaze.
— Most Awkward Transition to Another Medium: Nominees include Corey Haim in Double Switch, Kirk Cameron in The Horde, and Jason (The Wonder Years) Hervey in Return to Zork. And the winner is…Night Trap’s Dana Plato, who’s upstaged by vampires with lethal power drills and is barely mentioned on the box.
— Most Convincing Performance by an Aging Screen Doxy: Nominees include Margot Kidder in Under a Killing Moon, Grace Jones in Hell, and Morgan Fairchild in Celebrity Poker. And the winner is…ex-porn star Ginger Lynn Allen in Wing Commander III, proving that there’s more than one way to make a living out of interactivity.
— Most Convincing Performance by a Virtual Character: Nominees include noncorporeal vixen Virtual Valerie, the creepy alien kid from Gadget, and the Mancubus from Doom II. And the winners are…Donkey Kong and his simian sidekick Diddy Kong, whose animated monkeyshines take Donkey Kong Country to a whole new level.
— Most Pointless CD-ROM by a Rock Dinosaur: Nominees include [the artist formerly known as Prince] Interactive, Yes: Active, and Todd Rundgren’s No World Order. And the winner is…David Bowie’s Jump: boring music, vapid interactivity — about all that’s left for the Thin White Duke is induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Honorary EWwys go to: