What the country is talking about this week
1 John Mellencamp He canceled his tour because of a clogged artery. Maybe he should get health tips from Keith Richards.
2 Timecop Jean-Claude Van Damme’s acting has improved. Now he’s just bad.
3 Quiz Show Congress discovers lying and cheating on TV. It’s been vice versa ever since.
4 Johnny Depp Arrested for trashing a hotel room after an evening with Kate Moss. He should have known the mint on the pillow was her dinner.
5 Box Offices So far this year movies have grossed more than $4 billion. But it cost more than $5 billion to make them.
6 Barney According to Forbes, he made $59 million more than Rush Limbaugh over the past two years. Because he’s that much smarter.
7 Andre Agassi and Brooke Sheilds The royal couple of tennis? Not until they get divorced and a few nude photos hit the front page.
8 The Miss America Pageant If it weren’t for the hair, you’d swear they were human.
9 The Neiman Marcus Catalog Cowboy-boot golf shoes, cuff-link watches, a soup kitchen for the less fortunate-oops! I meant solid-gold teddy bears.
10 White House Kamikaze It’s okay now. The Secret Service has decided to arm Socks.
11 Judge For Yourself A talk show with studio-audience ”jurors.” Has due process come to this?
12 Haiti Innocent people killed and an economy in shambles. By those standards, we should invade South Central L.A.
13 George Jones The country-music legend got a triple bypass. So all those songs about heartache were true.
14 Hospital Dramas You end up in Chicago Hope after you pass out from the bill for E.R.
15 Ken Burns’ Baseball A documentary about a sport that used to be played in this country. Must be for history buffs.