Car 54, Where Are You?
Car 54, Where Are You? (Orion, PG-13), a loud, garish update of the campy ’60s sitcom is a brainless floparooney. The annoyingly cartoony David Johansen (that voice — stop it!) and the unamusingly dorky John McGinley star as odd-couple officers Gunther Toody and Francis Muldoon in a labored plot that includes the protection of a witness (Jeremy Piven, before The Larry Sanders Show) about to testify against a mobster (Daniel Baldwin, before Homicide), and the alleviation of Muldoon’s virginity. Ha ha ha, right? Other talent flailing away: Rosie O’Donnell (in her first movie role) as Lucille Toody, Fran Drescher as Muldoon’s sexual salvation, Al Lewis (reprising his TV role as Leo Schnauser), and Nipsey Russell (upgrading his TV role from unfunny officer to unfunny precinct captain). Call 911. D-