October 29, 1993 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 TIFFANY TRUMP Did they ever consider naming the kid Kmart?

2 FATAL INSTINCT Emilio Estevez is to comedy what ice picks are to ice.

3 CHEVY CHASE CANCELLATION What took them so long? Ted Koppel was getting more laughs.

4 DANCES WITH WOLVES They’re adding 50 minutes to it for TV. It’s so long that by the end, the buffalo roam with walkers.

5 TCI/BELL ATLANTIC MERGER The $33 billion company will need a new slogan. How about, ”Kiss off, we’re huge.”

6 DAVID WILLIAMS The Oilers fined him $125,000 for missing a game to attend the birth of his child. Next time, may we suggest flowers and a card?

7 RUDY Yet another inspirational film about the Fightin’ Irish. You know what really takes guts and courage in this country? Hating football.

8 MR. WONDERFUL Matt Dillon tries to find a new husband for his ex-wife. Yeah, divorced women have that problem all the time.

9 PHILADELPHIA PHILTHIES They’re overweight, unwashed, and unshaven. Who says American men don’t have role models?

10 PC HALLOWEEN COSTUMES No hobos, witches, or devils. Who needs ’em? If you really want to scare people, go as a liberal school-board member.

11 LUXOR The Vegas resort wants to be fun for the whole family. What does that mean—we get to watch Siegfried and Barney?

12 MONICA SELES Her assailant got off scot-free. That’s the difference between America and Germany. Here, he’d sue her.

13 TIMBERLAND ADS With Muddy Waters and good clean dirt. Clothes for people who want to look like they rappel to work.

14 BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD When I want to see something stupid and dangerous, I watch Rush Limbaugh.

15 THE PROGRAM You mean lying down in the road is dangerous? Who knew?

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