1 DAVID GERGEN People wonder why Clinton would put a Republican in the White House. Because no Democrat wanted to dodge tomatoes. 2 JURASSIC PARK Prehistoric animals go berserk in a theme park and eat the customers. No wonder dinosaurs became extinct. Who would pay twice for that?
3 THE PRINCE SYMBOL APPEARS HERE This is what Prince wants to be called from now on. They talked him out of S, n, and p .
4 SOUTH BEACH Another show about a trendy neighborhood. What’d they turn down? Aspen? Santa Fe? The Hamptons?
5 FATHER’S DAY Where’s the card that says, ”Dear Dad, This is hard to say: Cough up the support or we’ll garnish your pay”?
6 U2’S RECORD DEAL Money won’t change them. Bono will be as pretentious as ever.
7 ROUTE 66 Buddies driving a Corvette visit a different town each week. Quantum Heap.
8 ILLEGAL CHINESE IMMIGRANTS It has to stop. They’re robbing jobs from + illegal Mexican, Irish, and Pakistani immigrants.
9 CYNDI LAUPER Making a comeback. And so are her clothes.
10 WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT For the Tina Turner story, Ike wrote his own vows: Do you take this woman to beat, to cheat on, and to treat like dirt?
11 IVANA’S PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS She thinks the $350,000 they charged her for spying on Marla is a bit steep. No kidding. A lot of men would have done it for free.
12 WOODY AND MIA CUSTODY RULING The judge said Allen was insensitive, self- absorbed, and lacked judgment. We already knew he was a typical male before the trial.
13 WHOOPI AND TED They refuse to discuss their relationship. If only we could get Roseanne and Tom to feel that way.
14 THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME They’ve broken ground in Cleveland. C’mon son, let’s go see Michael Jackson’s glove and Ozzy Osbourne’s bat.
15 THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW HBO treats it like sunken treasure. You’ll never find it under all those third-rate movies.