February 12, 1993 at 05:00 AM EST

1 Paul McCartney’s dirty mouth
Who else lived on Penny Lane? Lenny Bruce? Richard Pryor?

2 Michael Jackson and Oprah
A 30-year-old virgin who keeps a llama? Where does she find all these weirdos?

3 Cellular phones
Not to worry. Chances are, you’ll be killed in a car accident while dialing long before you get cancer.

4 Homicide
It got great ratings after the Super Bowl. What wouldn’t? Toys?

5 Roseanne’s baby
False alarm. Cancel the exorcist.

6 Groundhog Day
Bill Murray living the same miserable day over and over for the rest of his life. Prince Charles should get some royalties.

7 Regis Philbin
There’s good news and there’s bad news. He’s fully recovered.

8 L.A. subway
It’s sure to bring hassle-free rush hours and an end to freeway traffic. Look what it’s done for New York.

9 Walter Mosley
President Clinton boosted his sales by calling him his favorite mystery writer. Does Bill have a favorite weekly entertainment magazine?

10 Gays in the military
Yeah, I’d hate to have to shower next to someone like Lawrence of Arabia.

11 Matinee
An A movie about a B movie during the Cuban Missile Crisis. You should C it.

12 Talk radio listeners
Of course they phone their senators. They can’t write.

13 Sommersby
Jodie Foster can’t tell if Richard Gere is her husband or an imposter. Would most women ask?

14 Sniper
”Bottom Gun.”

15 CEO upheavals
Now, instead of promoting you, they fire you for losing millions of dollars! What kind of incentive is that?

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