Faux pans for David Lynch?s newest movie -- What we think critics really want to say about ''Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me''

Kooky auteur David Lynch’s latest movie has been greeted with almost universal critical pans. In a more honest world, here’s what the newspaper ad might look like:

”If you plan on seeing Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, bring a book… Wear it on your head.”
-John Anderson, Newsday

”From the boos in Cannes to lack of screenings for critics, the word was out.”
-Susan Wloszczyna, USA Today

”It proceeds…from a cynical desire to squeeze a few more bucks from the already overworked corpse of Laura Palmer.”
-Jay Carr, The Boston Globe

”Diane, this isn’t damn fine coffee. It seems warmed over.”
-Bruce Westbrook, The Houston Chronicle

”You’ll wind up with a severe migraine…”
-Owen McNally, The Hartford Courant

”It’s not the worst movie ever made; it just seems to be.” -Vincent Canby, The New York Times

”Laura Palmer is exhumed most cruelly.”
-Rita Kempley, The Washington Post

”The film is an incoherent travesty of loose and dead ends.”
-Jeff Shannon, The Seattle Times

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me
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