Carnival in Rio
What’s a shrewd uberstar like Arnold Schwarzenegger doing in a tacky, shot-on-videotape, butt-and-bust-obsessed travelogue like Carnival in Rio? Cheerfully making a turista spectacle of himself, that’s what. Newly dredged up for cassette but first aired on the Playboy cable channel back when Arnold’s sole major movie was Conan the Barbarian, this plays like a blooper vacation album — think South America’s Funniest Home Videos. Looking less pumped and sounding more Austrian than he did in any of his action blockbusters, silly young Schwarzenegger tools around Brazil ogling local women or, as he calls them, ”halthy Prisilian natiffs.” The ever-bombastic star’s narration grows ever goofier as he visits nightclub Oba Oba (there singing the praises of ”my faforite body paht, de ass”), a costume ball (”de best eggzazize I’fe effa godden”), and a 36-hour grand parade (”De noise iss unbeleefable”). By the time the tape dribbles on to a soft-porny, topless-sunbather montage, capped by Schwarzenegger persuading his dinner date to fellate a carrot, you’ll wonder how Maria Shriver ever let this guy in the compound. Carnival is F-worthy ephemera, but sheer road-accident appeal pumps it up to a C-.