We interview some talking dolls -- Pee-wee Herman, Steve Urkel, and Beetlejuice sound off on the issues of the day

Sure they’re plastic, but that doesn’t mean they’re dumb. Getting these seven talking dolls (based on popular entertainment personalities Pee-wee Herman, Ed Grimley, Big Bird, Steve Urkel, Beetlejuice, Macaulay Culkin, and Dinosaurs‘ Baby) to sit down together was harder than organizing the ”We Are the World” recording session. But we wanted to chat with them because of the enormous influence they have on the hearts and minds of America’s youth. So we pulled some strings and twisted some arms and arranged the following exclusive group interview (all doll quotes are verbatim). When these dolls talk, kids listen. We did too.

EW: As you know, we’re in the middle of a presidential campaign. As celebrity toys, do you feel an obligation to speak out on political issues?
Pee-wee Herman: Hey, what’s that? Made you look!
Big Bird: I love you very much.
Ed Grimley: I’m going completely mental, I must say.
Macaulay Culkin: You guys give up — or are you thirsty for more?

EW: If you could tell President Bush one thing, what would it be?
Beetlejuice: I’m the ghost with the most!
Macaulay Culkin: I made my family disappear!
Pee-wee Herman: I know you are, but what am I?
Ed Grimley: I’m as doomed as doomed can be, you know.

EW: If you were head of the Democratic party, what would be your strategy to beat Bush in 1992?
Baby: I’m going to bite you now.
Beetlejuice: Beetlejuice! Bee-tlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Pee-wee Herman: Ha ha heh heh heh heh.

EW: How would you cut the budget deficit?
Baby: I’m hungry. Feed my mouth!
Beetlejuice: Can I be scary, or what?
Steve Urkel: No sweat, my pet!
Pee-wee Herman: Arrggh!

EW: What about the so-called character issue? Can Bill Clinton overcome it? Do any of you trust him?
Ed Grimley: Oh, gimme a break!
Beetlejuice: Whoa! Almost lost my head!
Steve Urkel: Did I do that?

EW: What would you like to tell Jay Leno as he prepares to take over from the legendary Johnny Carson this week as host of The Tonight Show?
Big Bird: I live on Sesame Street.
Beetlejuice: It’s showtime!
Steve Urkel: Got any cheese?
Baby: Hello, fat boy.

EW: Let’s talk about pay equity in Hollywood. Does it bother you that Macaulay Culkin earns $5 million per movie, whereas Macaulay Culkin the talking doll goes for only $19.99 at most major toy stores?
Macaulay Culkin: Come and get me!
Ed Grimley: Oh, gee — that’s a pain that’s gonna linger.
Steve Urkel: Hee hee hee! Snort.
Baby: Gotta love me!

EW: What about your personal lives? Has stardom made it difficult to form meaningful relationships with dolls of the opposite sex?
Steve Urkel: Got any cheese?
Big Bird: Want some birdseed?