Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

1. Patrick Buchanan
Imagine how well he’d do if they could get him to kiss babies instead of biting them.

2. Geraldo’s Plastic Surgery
They took fat from his rear end and injected it into his face. An apt metaphor for his show.

3. Barry Diller
The man behind Babes and Parker Lewis Can’t Lose! wants to run his own company. GM maybe?

4. NBC’s New I Witness Video
”Family killed by a tornado — while watching real tornado on TV — and we taped it!”

5. Bryan Adams
At least he’s settled one bar bet — any stupid song tacked on the end of Robin Hood will sell.

6. Barbra Streisand’s Oscar Non-Mination
Was she snubbed, or was it payback time for making us sit through those excruciating love scenes with Nick Nolte?

7. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
A money-laundering scam, or did they sell 2,000 percent of the stock?

8. Michael Jackson’s African Insult
He wasn’t touching his nose, he was holding it on.

9. Fish Police
CBS’ half-hour advertisement for cable-TV subscriptions.

10. The All-‘Toon Network
They laughed when Ted Turner started CNN and TBS, but nobody’s laughing now. Unfortunately.

11. Masters & Johnson Divorce
”Work, work, work — that’s all you ever want to talk about!”

12. Electronic Tax Returns
How come there’s never a computer virus when you need one?

13. JFK And The Mob
Hoffa was killed because he was going to tell Clay Shaw about the camera in Marilyn’s belly button.

14. Chevy Chase
Oh, yeah, in case you missed it, he’s a serious actor now. That would explain Funny Farm.

15. This Is My Life
The old living-hell-of-moving-to-Manhattan-and-striking-it-rich story. Damn, this glass of champagne is half empty.