May I have the check…uh, pardon me, the envelope, please. Hey, if you didn’t see the unscripted moments, how would you know it’s live television? Our 1991 Super Blooper Awards go to:

Most Titillating: Kirstie Alley Accepting her award for Best Comedy Actress at this year’s Emmys, Alley coyly thanked husband Parker Stevenson for giving her ”’the Big One’ for the last eight years.” Cohost Jerry Seinfeld covered for Alley with typical finesse. ”That could be anything,” he explained. (Burt Reynolds joined in: Accepting his Best Comedy Actor award, he thanked wife Loni Anderson for her ”two big ones.”)

Most Cryptic: Bob Dylan After mumbling an unintelligible version of his 1963 protest song ”Masters of War,” Dylan capped off his acceptance of the Grammy Lifetime Achievement award with a Positively Nuts Street ramble touching on God, his father, and how many roads a man must walk down. Or something.

Biggest Fashion Faux Pas: Paula Abdul What could she have been thinking? Paula Abdul’s jeweled underwear-as-outerwear-type evening wear at this year’s MTV Awards looked like a reject from Madonna’s closet and fueled rumors that the former Laker Girl’s videos had been shot with a lens calculated to slim her body. Though she admitted to wardrobe crime, Abdul objected stoutly to speculation that she was overweight. ”I happened to wear the wrong outfit on the MTV Awards,” she insisted. ”An outfit that was not flattering on TV.”

Worst Timing: Oscars AIDS protester A tuxedo-clad AIDS activist briefly interrupted the Best Live-Action Short presentation at this year’s Oscars by screaming ”102,000 dead!” to protest the film industry’s lack of response to the AIDS crisis. Unfortunately, the episode occurred during a commercial break. By the time the home audience tuned back in, security guards had removed the protester from the auditorium.

Least Suspenseful Presentation: Anthony Quinn At the Tony Awards, a confused Quinn (with Joan Collins) announced the winner for Best Play (Neil Simon for Lost in Yonkers) — an award that was to be presented later — rather than the winner for Best Direction of a Musical (Tommy Tune for The Will Rogers Follies). Simon took Quinn’s flub in stride. ”I was in the men’s room when Anthony Quinn was on. Did anything interesting happen?” he quipped when Shirley MacLaine later awarded him his Tony.