The 15 hottest topics the week of: September 13, 1991

1. Suzanne Somers’ Thighmaster Ad
She squeezes this contraption between her legs in a way that would make Dr. Ruth blush. She was exercising, and I forgot to breathe.

2. Gilbert Gottfried
If u cn rd ths, u cn b a censor at Fox.

3. Miss America Pageant
A demeaning, sexist relic from a bygone era, or harmless twaddle for agoraphobic couch potatoes?

4. Texas Cheerleader Massacre
Gimme a G, gimme a U, gimme an N!

5. The MTV Music Awards
Move over, Alfred Nobel.

6. Roseanne and Tom Arnold
Suing The National Enquirer for implying they are slobs. The amount’s unclear — there was a jelly stain on the deposition.

7. The Chuck Woolery Show
Other than Chuck, who thought this was a good idea?

8. Carl Lewis
I hate it when people do things my car can’t.

9. Edward Furlong
There’s a custody battle over the young T2 star. No doubt all parties have his interest at heart 7.68 percent, compounded annually.

10. Delta Burke and Gerald Mcraney
Accused their housekeeper of vacuuming up $10,000 extra. Too bad — good help is hard to fine.

11. Blondie Gets a Job
How hep. What next? Slacks?

12. Are You Ready for Some Football

13. Katherine Hepburn
Says in her new book, Me, she lied about her age. So what does that make her? About 298?

14. Grateful Dead Comics
And who deserves it more? George Washington? The Wright Brothers? Mother Teresa?

15. Platform Shoes
A late-’70s fad makes a comeback. How did we ever do the hustle in these things?