The 15 hottest topics the week of August 2, 1991

1. Ice Cube
The newest Hollywood hyphenate. Gangsta-acta-rappa.

2. Mel Brooks
Life Stinks, but so did Spaceballs.

3. The China Beach Finale
I liked it much better than the actual war.

4. Danny Bonaduce
Enough already with this loser. He’s making a felony out of a misdemeanor.

5. Cruella De Vil
The best villain ever. This movie couldn’t be more PC unless it was 101 Baby Seals.

6. Studs
The X-rated version of The Dating Game. Brings all the class, culture, and charm of a topless bar right into your living room.

7. Lake Shasta
They had a plan to clean up accidents like this, but it happened on her day off.

8. Deceased Duets
Hank Jr. had a big hit with his father, and now Natalie Cole. Who’s next? Nelson?

9. Christian Slater
It’s not true. When Jack Nicholson gets a headache, Christian does not take an aspirin.

10. The Soviet Economy
How bad is it? Imagine this country if it were run by your cable TV franchise.

11. The California ”Snack” Tax
What ding-dong got this jerky idea? Some nut from Carmel?

12. Tour de France
Dump the bike and rent a car. You’ll never see the real France in one of those big groups.

13. Scrambled Huevos
The Texas Tornados’ lyrics for McDonald’s ”breakfast” burrito are wonderfully twisted. Oye up.

14. Senators’ Pay Raise
If this keeps up, someday members of Congress will cost as much to keep as crack babies.

15. Poison Pen
The Kitty Kelley bio calls her a lying, thieving, striving cheat who sleeps around. If those are her qualifications, she could be a senator.