Why the ''Late Show'' host won't get the ''Tonight Show'' promotion

10. Dave offered job, backs out when he learns new host must take over Johnny’s alimony payments.

9. ”Aunt Blabby” dress fits Jay Leno better.

8. Personnel employees bump into each other in hall, accidentally switch Dave’s urine specimen with Danny Bonaduce’s.

7. Three words: spastic golf swing.

6. Fudged resume lists Davey & Goliath as previous work experience.

5. That bitch Joan Embery has more pull than you think!

4. Image of Dave’s gigantic head won’t fit on coffee mug.

3. At Tonight Show interview, Dave neglects to say he wants the job ”to help people.”

2. Loophole in Dave’s NBC contract actually gives seniority to Larry ”Bud” Melman.

And the No. 1 reason Letterman didn’t get Carson’s job:
1. Crazy woman who keeps breaking into Dave’s house unwilling to relocate to L.A.

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