The 15 hottest topics for the week of July 9, 2004

1 THE CHICAGO BULLS It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you get the shoe endorsement.

2 THE HARD ROCK CAFE & CASINO Coming soon to Las Vegas, a place where purple-haired ladies can laugh at blue-haired ladies.

3 REGIS AND KATHIE LEE The new hosts of the Miss America Pageant. Two airheads are better than one.

4 NIXON TAPES Waiting for the CD.

5 GUNS N’ ROSES Wouldn’t you like to see them tour with Wilson Phillips?

6 THE GONE WITH THE WIND SEQUEL Frankly, my dear, no one gives a damn.

7 VCR PLUS This gadget finally lets low-tech types use their VCR timers. So simple an adult can use it.

8 PRINCESS STEPHANIE’S SINGING CAREER Steph, listen to me. Don’t quit your day job.

9 SATURDAY MORNING TV Congress says there are too many ads. It’s good to know they’re not wasting their time worrying about crime.

10 KEVIN COSTNER Fame hath made him pretentious and weigheth upon him like so much cow dung. Attend, that you steppeth in it not.

11 DELTA BURKE A woman after my own heart. She wants to eat it.

12 LABEL LAWS The FDA has got to start cracking the whip. The way it is now, a SPAM-filled doughnut is health food.

13 AMANDA DONOHOE The winner of the one-person-you’d have-on-a-desert-island award for 1991.

14 THE SPRINGSTEEN WEDDING It’s time Bruce stopped marrying and settled down.

15 NIKI TAYLOR Are we for cover girls this young? It sounds like the modeling version of veal.